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Depression: there's more to it

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 My last post was a year ago.  I cant believe how much I have struggled this last year.  It was the worst I have ever gotten with depression and anxiety.  I fell down a deep, deep whole.  I had Zero desire to continue living.  Tried several medications with much trial and error.  With all my struggling, I even started to resent the only constant that I have had in my life, God.  why would he do this to me? my whole life i wanted to me a mom and as soon as I got a chance, I've hated it every step of the way. Or so it seems. I felt that when I truly begged for help, I received the very thing I didn't want.  I didn't want to resent Him but I wasn't seeing that He was even around.  After a hospital visit, did you even know that you could talk with a psychiatrist that dedicates their life focusing on mental issues and meds to help?  It might have been that I was in the whole so deep i just couldn't remember they existed but what made me ...
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Earthquake

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 Just when I feel that I see a light at the end of the tunnel, a big earthquake comes and enclosed me in again. I’m really sick of feeling like I’m a failure. I just keep screwing up as a mom. My kids hate me. I try so hard to be nice and do fun things or do things to strengthen our relationships and I feel like the devil is literally sitting on my kids shoulders to completely set me off and ruin the nice plans I had. EVERY TIME!!! When am I going to be able to enjoy me kids? My oldest is 12! The rate I’m going she will end up hating me for the rest of her life. I hate myself today. I feel like curling up in my bed and ignoring everything around me. Maybe that’s why God gave  me such  needy children, so I wouldn’t do that. They get me out of bed every day. I hate depression. Why do I have to get so angry? Why !!!! 
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Filling My Bucket

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As if I could actually get time to myself to write on here every night.  I guess a better goal would be once a week. (?) This week I've been doing more things for me. I donated plasma for the first time.  They have a really good payout plan going on so why not right?  I got $125 for the first time and I think the same payout tomorrow for my second donation. My amazing sister in law is watching my kiddos so I can to this. I'm planning on buying fun water toys like Kayaks, or a paddle board.  I'm excited about that.  I also started getting a massage every paycheck.  I started that a while ago to help me.  I really never spent money on me so this is something I'm doing to fill my bucket every 2 weeks.  ITS AMAZING! I get pampered and it really helps with my stress... This weeks stress,  my 10 year old daughter ran away because she wouldn't accept the no answer she got.  We looked for her for an hour and 20 minutes.  I'm grateful for th...
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The Struggle is Real

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Trapped in a world of unknown worries and a home of constant struggle. Life can be so hard. Somedays it’s hard to breathe. I wake up daily exhausted to a 2 year old normally already in my bed and a 3 year old that came to snuggling for a minute. I’m not kidding about the minute. Second 61, like clock work, the whining starts for juice, baby Joy Joy, up! Forced out of bed, I enter the living room that was clean at one point yesterday to the kitchen that is a disaster because I didn’t want to start the fighting and screaming of children trying to get chores done. Oh Don’t be fooled, I would be screaming as well. I truly desire to be that mom that is so patient and lovingly corrects her children and never raises her voice. I really do want to be her!! I’ve been working so hard for years to fix me. It’s not easy!!! Exhaustion Really kicks your butt. But then adding anxiety and depression it literally makes life suck. I’m seriously surviving. People talk about seasons well this season is ...
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